Thursday, May 19, 2016

No words will ever be sufficient on how angry I am. And there were a lot of times that I wish you would undo what's already been done. It sounds selfish, but I cannot take one more second of sleepless nights. When I do sleep, I wake up in the middle of the night, crying until my energy runs out and I sleep again. To me, that's the most painful thing I've had to encounter.

I used to think running could solve a lot of things, especially when I'm sad. But when I run and run, I'd think of all the good things you robbed from me, including my soul. When I am out of breath, I would feel as if all the rage has conquered me entirely, leaving me to a state where I feel nothing good is left in me. Then I cry for letting you do that to me. What I once call as a soul has entirely left me because the person I am today, is someone who will never learn to trust.

You asked me to fall, and I stood. You told me you'd catch me. And once that trust was gained, that was what you did. You betrayed me. You let me fall to the ground breaking to pieces. You, dear boy, betrayed and damaged me in ways you won't even understand and you get to walk away with it, feeling okay. And I try so hard, but I will never be able to forgive you for that.

 Everything has gives and takes.

Since I have told you what you took away from me, I will tell you what you have given me. You have given me life. I saw the world from your perception and I saw the things in you that I saw in no one else. Just you. Something about you that made me feel like I should be sticking around, because I should be of help to the rough times that you go through. I saw something in the way that you took care of your mother, that made me think about how I should be taking care of mine the same way.

It was the way your problems were bigger than mine seemed petty, and you dealt with it with all your might, putting everyone first. I learned the way you took care of her, and that made me crave for a companion who would give it all. Just like you. Not you in particular. I have never met someone I genuinely adore for so much kindness, honesty and strong.

You have given me too much to remember because we were best friends, and that's what best friends do. They take care of each other. You were never good with words but I appreciated every effort you made to make me understand that things were going to get better. Of course, that was before you stopped. After things got in tensed, I have never felt more alone in my life. After things got tensed, you never bothered. You never bothered to tell me all the ways you actually care, which makes it seem like I'm the only person going through things.

I'm not blaming you for that, because I know everything I did to calm you down when you're angry becomes uncomforting too. But at least I tried. At least we tried.

You gave me the world, yes. A world that was temporary. You once made me feel so happy, and sometimes even effortlessly. But everything I adored about you, everything I described, today has left you too. You aren't the same person I fell in love with. So am I. I guess we thought we were so compatible for each other, we never realized that we are now two very different people.
I hope when we cross paths one day, you'd be a person better off without me, and I'd be the person who's better off without you. There is so much more to say than just these stupid few paragraphs because undeniably, we went through a lot. But what good does that do anymore?